Every American hockey fan knows what happened in 2010. Sidney Crosby, the easiest hockey player to hate and respect at the same time, buried an odd angle goal inside the pipe and demolished the United States of America’s men’s hockey team a chance to grasp the gold medal. For two weeks leading up to that moment, U.S.A. goaltender Ryan Miller seemed to be invincible. The way he played is one of the biggest reasons Blues fans clamor for his services in St. Louis these days. Miller nearly carried a USA team to the finish line, yet couldn’t get past the almighty Crosby dragon.
This time, things could go down differently. The U.S.A. team is scoring a ton of goals, took down the Russians and haven’t lost a game. The Canadians have been just as tough. Today’s semifinal game will be legendary as far as goal scoring and true grit are concerned. Some of us would be happy if David Backes simply broke Crosby or Drew Doughty in half. However, ask any true hockey fan and they want the gold. No offense to the other sports and competitions in Sochi this month, but a men’s hockey team gold medal for the U.S.A. is at the top of the list.
With that in mind, I want to state a few things that should transpire or happen if our American gang can slay the kings of hockey today and advance to the Gold Medal game. This isn’t the final game, but a huge test for a team that has the skill to win it all but must get through the most torturous hour. Since we can’t walk home with the medal after today’s game, I suggest a list.
Things The Americans Should Request If Canada Loses today-
1. Something that has already been discussed, and that is Canada taking Justin Bieber in as one of their own. We have Bruno Mars here, and trust me he is less annoying. Bieber is so “five minutes ago” that he basically needs to go. Use him as a punching bag or trade him to Vladimir Putin as a sympathy gift pet animal.
2. Sidney Crosby must fight Chuck Norris in a steel cage match out in the cold. That’s right. Weird mustache Penguin boy against the true man of steel. Chuck Norris himself.
3. David Backes gets to punch Drew Doughty repeatedly in the face. Number of punches are up for negotiation.
4. Canadian Hockey players can’t say “eh” once for a single day or risk being stunned by a taser. Speak regularly up there for 24 hours.
5. The Canadian players have to do our boys laundry today and after the final game as well. They can’t wash their hands for at least 4 days afterwards.
6. Ryan Miller gets to face Crosby in a one on one shootout type match to finally absolve the horrible memory from four years ago. Revenge is served.
7. This would happen before The Chuck Norris cage match of course. Afterwards, that wouldn’t be fair.
8. Shea Weber and Rick Nash have to wear women’s dresses on the plane ride home. If this sounds too harsh or rogue, please go read another more pleasant column while I finish up here.
9. Alex Pietrangelo and Jay Bouwmeester are given light punishment for losing because they are St. Louis Blues hockey players and that’s just the way it is. My column makes it my rules or go read a boring NBA column.
10. All Canadian Blackhawks have to fight the boxing pride of Russia, Ruslan Provodnikov, in a five round bout outside the arena. Tape up your hands Mr. Sharp, Mr. Toews and Mr. Keith.
I wasn’t crazy and insisted that all Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver games have to recite the National Anthem before each game. I kept it classy and wildly demanding at the same time. That is the way hockey is played. No holds barred with a little blood on the very end. Every hockey fan here in the states knows what happened last time these two teams met. Today at 11 o’ clock central time here in the states, the red, white and blue faithful hope for a different outcome. We can talk about the list after Backes and company have scheduled their place in the Gold Medal game.
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